Incomplete - 3

Every detail was still afresh, not seen but felt by Sharada. She often wondered if grandmother's behaviour was a way to get her attention, demand respect, empathy, or just that it would control Sharada's straight forward crudeness whenever she would present instances that were erroneous. Sharada’s made extreme efforts to stop her mind, "try not to think," "forget it"; yet she continued to think....but all seemed unmarked that had a perennial flow.

Truth is easier when it is to others; not to us. Similarly with Sharada. She was so scared of the truth, the more she indulged in contemplation the more she came closer to the reality. And that hurt her more than anything. However, on the contrary sometimes absence of knowledge is equally painful.

Truth, Peace, Identity - are these adjectives? Some soothing words like "dont be harsh on yourself"; introspecting was good but Sharada was way beyond and more than introspection. She would always decide "this time is going to be the last time" but it so ends that "past" seems to be a very continuous factor both in present and her future ....its very subjective. "Trupthi Ellathadhu" - not yet contented and perhaps one reason why things look incomplete.

Her relationship strained beyond repair and one of the many instances crawled her mind:

1991
It was an exciting moment for Sharada's grandmother, she would depart to the washroom every now and then…her adrenalin worked faster than normal. She was about to be voted as the local guardian at the college where Sharada was seeking admission. Every 5 minutes she would be checking if Sharada had taken her certificates, admission forms, money and almost everything possible.

Sharada vividly remembers holding a ration card (palm oil card, which you get at the mavelli store). Her friends from the same village were also to join her at the same college (of course different sections, departments etc). Sharada not paying attention to anything around busy with her belongings, engrossed in her thoughts was only enthusiastic about the fact that all eyes were on her. Still not enrolled and she hit it off by shaking hands with a senior student Arun (a ABVP - party member - he was the most popular guy spoken about by almost everyone even before Sharada knew the college - courtesy some senior friends in the village).

It was after two days Sharada over heard her grandma talking to some of her neighbours about her visit to college. Grandma had never been to a school and here she was in a college for her granddaughter. She boasted about how she met the Principal, Department Heads and how respectful and forthcoming they were. Sharada wondered when that happened. Nevertheless, it was interesting to see her happiness, whichever way, not for long though. It was happiness short lived. Grandma had splendid dreams, one being Sharada passing out with flying colours and travel to the US of A and what not....

Dreams all thrashed, within a year, Sharada was suspended from her college. Close to dismissal, in the name of PICNIC.

Sharada had entered a world, which was not what she was seeing. Every action had repercussions. Her school of thoughts stayed pre-mature, she spearheaded a PICNIC programme for students in her class; it wasnt under any strategic approach, just to have fun at the end of the day, after all college was all about fun and studies. The programme welcomed at a level where lecturers appreciated the move. However, little was she aware that this would become a nightmare for her. First blow was when her grandma turned down her proposal; she could not convince her at any stage how important it was to her and what she was to this entire programme. All Grandma had to say was "your parents are not with us and this cannot be allowed", all phone calls and inland letters went down the drain. Parents could not convince grandma and they could not see things upsetting Sharada. Sharada backed out, however, the Picnic programme wasn’t cancelled, students girls and boys along with an office attendee and a department head (and his family) decided to go ahead - Kodaikanal the destination. As days progressed the toll came down to 20 and there were about seven girls. Agenda had it that the girls would stay with Sharada before moving the next day morning.

Grandma was not forthcoming, however, she just agreed to that bit. They all stayed with us and grandma was a friendly host if not perfect. Sharada tried to do the balancing act, not sure if it worked. The early morning was very exhilarating, as everybody bathed to an expedition, the bus arrived and as the girls were about to leave is when a call flawed the programme. The department head along with his family excused due to his daughter's poor health; guys and girls weren’t sure what to do, and that’s when a little push and encouragement from Sharada gave them the confidence and the engine started with wheels driving north.

For Sharada, the day continued to be a routine, a box of curd rice and pickle, her books neatly held around her hands touching the chest, she marched towards the college.

Even before the session started, Sharada was called to her department and enquired on the PICNIC, there were only responses to all questions and she did not understand what was going on. The next summon from the Principal's chamber. She was there in front of her College Principal, Dr. Leela. Sharada stood there wondering what went wrong, thought if everything was safe, if there had been any accident; however, it was soon to be disclosed and to her shock, the entire picnic was touted to be a "lover's runaway feat" and there were seven boys and 7 girls. This simply ripped off the concept and unfortunately one of the girl's father was a Police personnel. Sharada was showed the red card for spearheading the programme.

Sharada stood there still, shocked, a sense of failure, a sense of injustice, a sense of absolute nonsense. Grandma stopped talking.

To date, Sharada did not get a chance to clarify, fight and voice her state-of-mind. A blow very deep into a fragile mind; all around things became difficult, communication misconstrued, grandmother was hurt and her actions hurt Sharada, sometimes retaliated, sometimes succumbed; like sand, jelly and cement; pain, remorse started housing inside the mental building.

2010
Sharada, sometime early morning 2 am, stood there at the window, with her eyes wide open and this time without tears.