Incomplete 31 - Dedicated to love - Happy Valentine's

BIG Heart is BRAVE & LOVE is Truth.

Jesus and his abundance of love could make a dead man walking; HIS love for people was very dangerous. It is impossible to be Jesus but it is possible to be dangerous. As death is the only promise, love is the only hope.

Love in its capacity is doing what it is mandated to and over ages it has changed according to the convenience of people who handle it. It is eternal, magical, mystery, freedom, joy, ecstasy, pain, turbulence etc but no one can live without it. Love does not matter, it is people who matter.

Be a friend, be caring, be affectionate, be loving, be sharing, be a puppy, be funny, be stupid, be an insane, be possessive, be protective, be inspective, be intruding, be jealous, be a liar, be honest, be good, be bad, be temperamental, be intelligent, be a fool, be a pest, be suspicious, be normal, be kind, be sensitive, be empathetic, be a critic, be expressive, be subtle, be sexy, be smart, be stylish, be beautiful, be complex, be confused, be humble, be quarrelsome, be a kid, be a man, be a woman, be you, be I, be anything “only and only if in love” because it does not hurt. Dare not if not in love, not even for the sake or in the name of love.

Sharada exchanged and embraced her parents; offered a currency cover to Nirmala and Meera as a marriage gift; smiled at her relatives. She tread towards the door with her baggage, Jai, Madhuri and kids were already waiting inside the taxi. Sharada excused Jai over joining them back in their travel and hand-overed a book that titled “Incomplete – Murdered in love”.

Bidding a bye all, she walked the same lanes to catch her bus back. Long away in the bus, she spotted a mood of celebration at some junctions, a visible change, college kids were celebrating Valentine’s day.

Love has the strength; it can penetrate to a village much away from the west & the western culture.

Girls and boys were busy buying cards, balloons, chocolates etc. Couples isolated from the rushing world – some who were planning to plunge, some just in love, some going on for a long time and some already married. Love is in the air. There is no rule or advice for people who are in love, just fall in love and dare to fall because it’s very difficult.


As time progressed and the distance terse; Sharada’s working world became a reality. Her long list of “to do” had the first to collect her test reports.

It was 11 am, she with her journalist friend marched to the hospital. Her friend kept teasing her all the way; but deep down it really made sense. Joke is a joke but life is one. Love aside, one realizes how it is important to be responsible in life and precious it can get only if you have a healthy body and mind.

Her friend opened the cover and it stated “NEGATIVE”; Sharada was relieved. HIV Tests had a big window time and she was relieved that she had been responsible and committed. One need not hesitate to take a shot; it does not falsely indicate straying of a partner, it only reaffirms responsibility for oneself.


Sharada’s unending desire for a V-Day gift still remained but this time her “karivala – kanmashi – chandpottu” were replaced by grandma’s earrings.
(black bangles – black kajal – red sindoor)

Sharada and her friend joined another friend at a coffee shop watching all the celebrations around and their conversations continued; so did Sharada’s journey but this time not so much about “her love in her life” but about love that was around.

---------------------------------------------*0000*---------------------------------------------

Now about me, I am like any one of you, a daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife and now a mom. I am sitting in the same coffee shop where Sharada is. And I love her as much she loves my daughter Aadya.

When inquired on what my next book will be about, I said “About a couple and their visit to Taj Mahal”; my friends went red on face; well I had forgotten to wish them “Happy Valentines”

Friends, thanks a million for taking out your time to read my notes, till meet you all next, peace and love

Aadya’s mom
Feb 14, 2010 - 11.30 am

Incomplete 30 Murdered in Love 23

Present 2010

Forgetfulness’ and time are interdependent. It is important to forget and only with time it happens. Sharada encountered within herself that she had forgotten some parts of her journey. Jai and Anirudh had same impact in her life; but the intensity was different. One was rotten and the other fresh. May be after ten long years at 45, this will be just a matter of the past. Unlike Jai, Anirudh will not be anywhere in the vicinity. But they both stay as long as Sharada stays.

Like a trend, on a positive note what did they both teach or leave behind; one grew her up and the other grew up with her; transition of a girl to a woman, and then a woman to a mother.

In the name of marriage – so unfulfilling; in the name of love – so fulfilling. Yet so “incomplete”; married yet not legalized; love yet so fake; a mother yet empty. Sharada was complete yet incomplete. Jai, was an encounter with slow poison. Anirudh, an encounter with danger. Sharada’s murderous journey of love. Jai and Anirudh – Rest in peace for now.

Grandmother owned a “thodu” – a diamond earring (the only one she had) and had decided to pass it on to Sharada; on the condition that Sharada gave her a grandson or a granddaughter. It never happened. Sharada hoped if grandmother was around she could communicate her apologies for not bringing “it” out into the world.

Sharada, her window and the village; this time the temple bells quivered her thoughts. It was 5 am, “Shivarathiri” had started, like every other festival, this too had its significance and kids had started writing “om namaha shivaya”, chanting slogans and the village was loud in a celebrating mood. They had to stay jagran the whole night and Sharada heard them all discussing the plans.

But for the house it was the beginning of a 13 day ceremonial mourning time, some had to leave and some would stay.

Sharada closed her window for one last time, not knowing when it would be open again. She draped her grandma’s nine yard sari along the same poles and took bath, this time there was no inhibitions or fear of honor. As she pleated and arranged her sari, Jai entered the room; like old times he helped her with the safety pin and kept talking to her about his travel plans. He wanted her to join them as they returned back. Sharada agreed to whatever he said.

The bags were packed, parents and relatives continued with their duties; no pressure whatsoever, Sharada didn’t have the mandate to stay back. She entered her paati’s room.

She touched all the things she liked about her grandmother, especially the books Ramayana, Mahabharata and Bhagvatham, her glasses that she used only while reading, all the pictures which she posed right, her “madisar puduvai”, small telephone index, address book and a pen. As Sharada prepared to turn around, her sari stuck under the pillow, as she removed it, she saw something shinning, on a close look, she realized it were the earrings. Sharada recalled that grandmother had whispered something into her ears “thodu” “thodu”, she mistook it to “touch” and Sharada kept touching her.

Tears just rolled her cheeks; she held it and kissed them intensely.

Incomplete 29 Murdered in Love 22

Anirudh turned up four times in ten months, unaware & scared to communicate. Sharada now wanted to listen to his decision than his ambiguity.

Sharada’s poem followed by a spiteful law and order driven mail pricked Anirudh’s conscious; Sharada wanted her dignity in some form or other. A token to restore it, a paper to seal, a promise to continue or break it up! Her faith was hanging that Anirudh “loved her” and did not want to sue him, in spite of persuasion from friends.

“Humanitarian Grounds” somebody close to Anirudh whispered - on humanitarian grounds. Sharada wasn’t broke anything more than this.

Reality: It turned out to be that Anirudh never loved Sharada. He wanted to irk Diya and came back to Sharada on his birthday. But things were not working fine and only to make Diya feel more jealous, he got physically intimate to Sharada. But this is all; he wanted to stop it there. Because he was almost close to getting there with Diya once he flew to Germany.

Unaware of all this, Sharada was coming back to him and this made him feel guilty and on “humanitarian grounds” Anirudh continued to keep her happy and whilst it was against his heart and mind, he was throwing tantrums. Sharada’s patience baffled him, so he continued to use every other method – from insults to physical abuses - but she kept hanging there. Pregnancy was not a matter because he had put his guilt on God. And finally when Sharada encountered his mails to Diya all the time she was around along with her pictures secretly taken, it shattered her.

Sharada liberated Anirudh; one last time she laid there on his laps only to realize every feeling as insignificant as it could be only to know the truth that Anirudh never ever loved her.

Sharada, an emotional fool.

“A note from Sharada’s personal diary

obviously he doesn’t love
obviously he isn’t going to marry
obviously he knows for sure he has hurt me
obviously he knows that he doesn’t want to hurt me more
obviously he feels that he cant keep me happy
obviously he isn’t that happy with me
obviously he isn’t trustworthy
obviously he knows am older and not the one he wants in life
obviously he cant get hurt because he does not deserve me
obviously there are better girls in life
obviously she is the perfect women
obviously if not for me he wouldnt have ditched her
obviously if not for diya he wouldnt have come to me
obviously he wanted somebody to show his irritation
obviously he wanted somebody to show his anger
obviously he wanted to show his helplessness for not getting what he wanted
obviously he was disappointed
obviously he isnt me
obviously he found solace
obviously I pulled him down
obviously I was a dictator
obviously I am not him
obviously I didnt keep him happy
obviously I can get hurt because I want him
obviously I killed myself
obviously he killed me

at no point he will be able to justify his act
at no point will he say he is guilty even if he is
may be he also feels he is guilty
he cannot prove anything right because
obviously he cant convince me GOD!
I am responsible for whatever happened

He never said he loves me
I said I love him
He never said he will marry me
I said I would like to marry him
He never said he is committed
I said if he isn’t then I will leave him
He never said he had sex with me
I asked him if he did
He said he never used me
I asked him if he is using me
He initiated, I flowed
He abused, I allowed
He authored, I wrote
He liked, I joined
He hated, I cried
He left, I waited
He told it will get complicated
I told him if it is so then we should not complicate
Outcome:I lost my virginity, I lost something born"

Incomplete 28 Murdered in Love 21

(Readers feel free / allowed to skip this)

Depression! Sharada locked in the house for three months. Destruction! Several attempts to kill herself. Ashrams, temples, charities, but still she could not come out of Anirudh.

Weakness, weakness and more weakness of the body and mind; there are remedies in this world - God.

She kept reading the 2nd Chapter of the Bhagwad Gita, which summarises the entire Holy Song: starts with Arjuna's grief and then the final Kurukshetra battle.

A verse in it "Active Resistence to Evil", is the central idea in the doctrine expounded by Lord Krishna in the Gita. Sharada perfectly believed this; her moods were switching between tolerance as "mother earth" and dangerous as "mother Kali".

When God created this entire universe; he performed slow theatre plays; however HE realised it is time to end his skit and had started moving the "fast forward" button and one need not wait for another "birth" to redeem the present or earlier birth.

Sharada’s state of mind is something of "A KLAIBYAM" (means the mental attitude of one who is neither masculine enough to feel a passionate courage and daring, nor womanly enough to feel the soft emotions of hesitation and despair) "a grief" "a coward" "an idealistic" "shattered mental equilibrium" "pity" "hysterical" - various neurotic diseases called the "Arjuna Disease" which resonates to "Krishna Cure".

In the Mahabharata, Arjuna argues to Krishna and finally in the end he says "it is better for me to "die" unarmed than kill my own kinsmen and have no pleasure of winning the Kingdom". Philosophically "wretched are those who act for results"; now take a look: Pandavas and Kauravas played the game to "win", however, not aware of Shakuni's cunningness. So they played for a result "to win"; when one says wretched are those who act for results, meaning people in their desired prompted activities directly incurring new vasanas and never will be liberated.

Here is the parallel: what are desires to Sharada?

Love or Love making: an overrated, painful experience. Why man and woman perform an act that pains them - "yes the result is a child"; so anybody performing an act not looking forward for a result are not wretched. And this is when the definition changes and conveniently defined as "making love" for what again?

Today Sharada, at this point is relieved because there was a result, and it rings clearly to her that Anirudh confided and performed an action of love and not sex.

Child: Sharada committed sin.

Has Sharada incurred new vasanas? No.

But, Sharada has committed sin. God gave her a chance knowing that she was brave; however, she just wanted to restore a promise, a promise which was never made between two people. It was faith of one she restored. When a man thinks of objects, attachment comes, from attachment comes desires, from desires comes anger, from anger delusion, from delusion "loss of memory", then "destruction of discrimination" and finally he perishes.

Sharada is not perfect; she is perished from a moral sense. And her dharma says to restore dignity.

Incomplete 27 Murdered in Love 20

"The sin that is committed by killing one who does not deserve is as great a sin of NOT killing the one who deserves to be......Bhagwad GITA". Sin is only a mistake committed by a misunderstood "individual ego" against its own Divine Nature.

Sharada' birthday, and an alien body of 47 days. Fear, image, future, everything seemed to collapse on her face. Nobody was to be blamed; not even the foetus. She just didnt want to talk about it to anyone but then it was inevitable. Clandestinity in a realtionship just tears one apart, she could not confide to anyone. And if she did, then she would retrieve it back. An indication to Anirudh, broke him & he went into silence. Between them there were only precautions and no promises or plans. Celebrate or do what?, a day to be remembered, horrifying was her birthday. Anirudh was awake all night beside her; and Sharada mourned to take a decision. A fibred rod entered her and dissolved something born; may be a boy or girl.

It is cruel to even scribe, sin is the word. She kept her promise to the one who had not promised anything.

The year ended peacefully only to unfold and end. Anirudh was waiting for an opportunity, and now it was Sharada's turn to get erroneous. Hormonal changes in the body started working on Sharada. Literal imbalances, fear of rejection, mistrust, insecurity, infringement, imposing, and get worried for nothing, fights; anger - all together played the worse. Continuously for a month they had fights, over everything. Like all, said all, Sharada accused Anirudh of using her emotionally, physically and financially. She walked out on him slapping him hard, not once but many times. Eighteen days of test; Anirudh never came back. Sharada begged him, but then theories are only one sided. Cursed was she, another exile but this time there was no hope.

The relationship came out in the open first to her closest friends and her other friends and many other friends. She spoke to some and some spoke to other some. But then nothing could be done to save or take the relationship forward. Some wanted Sharada to sue him, some forgive, some reasoned that it was her mistake, some reasoned that he was immature, some were critical, some were compassionate, some angry, some cried with her. It affected many and most of all Sharada herself.

Away from everyone and everything, Sharada completely contaminated started her cleansing process.

Incomplete 26 Murdered in Love 19

Try playing a song on windows media player; some colourful animated lines glide on the monitor; they sometimes go rhythmically with the song or they have been seen to be digitized intelligently that one feels it is dancing to the tunes....strangely it also makes you feel very disturbed.

Sharada's admissions were pronounced, and she was through with her part in the first innings of the relationship. She had moved out then never to come back. But the second innings was shouldered by Anirudh. It was getting difficult for him, as it was evident he was controlling the threads.

Things are getting visually clear that this was not about two individuals, it was about two generations in a relationship. A boy who is straight seven years younger than a woman; both came from different school of thoughts that intersect each other, however do not meet.

Sharada's mental state of mind was moving exactly like those digital waves on the computer screens. It is very difficult to comprehend and analyse that what happens between two people when only one is talking about it. The truth was - only Sharada was talking about it and Anirudh was in the oblivion. Two definite things happen in a journey of love. One, you love and cherish moments. Two, you don't love and conceal guilt.

Anirudh was waiting for one event to nail Sharada, but unfortunately every such incident happened Sharada remained unaware of his intentions. Unlike her younger days Sharada was not naive, but she was still very vulnerable. Grey areas were acceptable for her, but black and white in a relationship was very important. Unfortunately, Anirudh's intentions never materialized, because he continued damaging beyond repair.

There were three instances when Anirudh became physically violent on Sharada. Sharada in her defense would destruct her own self. The reasons behind all physical hurts were very trivial, but Anirudh's reasoning would be exaggerated, sometimes posed as Sharada's folly. Before Sharada could confront and take a decision about him, Anirudh would fall on her feet and apologize. Anirudh had shared that his mother was also a recipient of such actions. Sharada only empathised that Anirudh was doing everything that he is not and Sharada just could not take it. Anirudh's "love was incredible but "hate" was unbelievably turbulent. And the times when such incidents happen, whatsoever, Anirudh would not bear the drift. Sharada sometimes intentionally stayed away but then it would hurt him even more. The one way theory - "Sharada was supposed to forgive him because it was him".

A man wants to see his mother in his wife; and here was a man who acknowledged Sharada exactly like his mother; from food to silence. But sealed his mouth, mind and heart to accept her in the way he had conceived. Anirudh sprinkled all "expectations to grow" in Sharada's mind, but as said this is only one way theory. It was not acceptable for Sharada to expect.

Anirudh made Sharada believe everything but what she was. Anirudh had completely taken over Sharada's senses - mental, emotional and physical. Sharada allowed it and he kept entering in without walls. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months as passed; Sharada and Anirudh could not find an answer to their relationship. But as lovers, they did spend time meeting eachother, travelling, watching movies, ideating, fighting, laughing, playing, making love, sharing all the low's and highs etc.

Sharada's emotional responsibility by choice was literally a little overdone. How could one being a woman do this but yes Sharada did this as well. She encouraged Anirudh of his photography skills and it was a meeting of mind sorts and just after their love making session, she stood nude for his creative satisfaction.

Raising of eyebrows? well truth always does. Honestly if one looks at it, its just between two people who love each other, there is nothing wrong. Sharada and Anirudh did it with choice and without any guilt. The pictures were published but only in a private gallery of creative people. Sharada never argued this or find fault with Anirudh, for her this was something between them. But then there are always hidden agendas.

One may write this off as a case of psychological disorder, difference in frequency, one sided emotion, sex, guilt between people, cheap and many such things. But the truth, it was very intelligent. Truth, it was very intelligent.

Sharada and Anirudh, an ocean of many emotions, which they wanted to share yet could not and all the tides and waves on the way hit them. Sometimes they wanted to see things emotionally, sometimes rationally, sometimes neutrally, sometimes guiltily....point is, all the methods used between them was not discussed, those were independent of eachother. One wanted to stay and the other did not want to stay. One understood where it was going and the other ensured it was not evident. One was a thinker and one was a doer. The difference was - it had an impact on the other.

Sharada thought again, So much for "love".

Some guests enter without invitations and guests are supposed to be gods. Once again a divine intervention. A beautiful month of September, early morning just before Sharada's birthday the "Velocit strip" showed two colored bands stating POSITIVE.

Incomplete 25 Murdered in Love 18

Responsibilities were companions, some destined to Sharada in the domestic front and some taken by choice. The journey had started at the age of 17 +... was still on. Academic qualification never hindered her mettle at work, growth was significant and perhaps god's idea of balancing lives. Grandmother secretly admired Sharada for having achieved this rank in her professional life and also fulfilling her dream of flying abroad on work and holiday. Anirudh became a responsibility of her emotional choice.

When dream cream Germany went down in the drain; Anirudh's career graph hit a speed breaker including a messed up love life. Similarly Sharada's emotional imbalances - an ailing mother; an ambiguous love life; stress at work leading to low productivity affected her. She called it sabbatical, in reality priorities had changed. When money as a source hits a roadblock, philosophies come handy in a relationship and play a concealing role.

"Germany" was the culprit. Fear of blaming two people in a relationship, a geographical place becomes a convenient scape goat.

The serendipity of Anirudh realizing his dreams in Germany would have left Sharada with very little options. Their relationship would have survived with memories of "moments" shared by them with personal conversations replaced by emails and long distance calls. Easy aint easy to live in serendipity, destiny plays wonderful mind games.

Anirudh lost out on Germany and could not get rid of Sharada. Sharada loved Anirudh, she remained; and it gradually thickened by increased proximity every passing day. Complicating love or complications In love; both existed in this case. Sharada and Anirudh in their awareness had complicated things. Now they were picking strings that were complicated. It was a challenge to arrive at a meeting ground.

When one is on a move, it is a struggle to live the present, only to realise that it has become a past. Sharada and Anirudh had similar takes. Their happiness and sorrows were steadfast and moving parallely.

Anirudh's activities were Sharada's confusions. Diya's exit hurt him; he despised Diya's cheating, however continued to have conversations with her. Anirudh's frustration was "anger" and he let it out on Sharada. Sharada was vocal about disapproval or disappointments, however, in vain. Anirudh gave umpteen reasons for frictions and the one topped his list was that Sharada's existence between him & Diya. Was it fair? well versions are versions. When things hit the wall, he discovered & dropped lines at lenience: "Happiness in love, is to allow the person to do what he wants to do".

Sharada's un-expectations and un-conditionality were only an "ideal" statement for Anirudh. Any account of her actions; be it taking pains to travel everyday to meet him, cook food for him, spend money on him, spend time and share everything only to keep him happy was termed as "selfishness". Sharada had very little options to position herself in Anirudh's dictionary. The words of care like mother, words of concern like sister, words of love like lover, words of criticism or advise like a mentor stopped featuring in his lessons, as now Sharada was not a neutral person but somebody very intimate to him. Anirudh was comfortable with an element of mystery attached to his personality, whereas Sharada had the ability to see all the facets of his character and in order to prove Sharada wrong he did exactly things opposite and obviously wrong.

Diya's cheating was a subject of conversation, his rationale would be directed to the medical books - the biological requirement. Some shortfalls of long distance love stories, "bodily needs" forces one to indulge in sex leading to cracks in the relationship. The track looked like Anirudh was ready to forgive the instance and get back to Diya. Sharada did not oppose any of these things but was definitely flabbergasted when Anirudh persuaded or encouraged Sharada to fulfill her biological needs if she found someone outside of him.

His bold admissions about not being loyal or committed; to run into short affairs; defining sex as independent of love, etc. were beyond Sharada's comprehension. Sharada debated all his philosophies and theories; some she succumbed to and many were "culture shocks". Every time Sharada exited, Anirudh ensured to bring her back. Anirudh convinced Sharada that "her exiting out was not an honest one and parting ways was not a solution".

Here was a man who could not take Diya's deceit but it was okay for him if Sharada gets to deceit. A man who liked, had feelings and cared for Sharada but would not want to prove anything. Any attempts by Sharada to understand and stop complications were not welcome to Anirudh.

There were contradictions and more contradictions; philosophies and fresh philosophies; it was becoming a fight for retaining positions in a relationship. Anirudh maintained that he "liked" and did not "love" Sharada (btw, there is very little difference between "Ishtam"&"Sneham" in regional languages). Sharada maintained that he is not her "friend". Exiting out was not allowed, officing in was suffocating. Sharada's scissory aggressiveness was definitely not allowed, Anirudh controlled every bit of it.

It was like a "chakraviyu", you get into it then there is no option but death.

Incomplete 24 Murdered in Love 17

Pregnant emotions; Sharada had conceived a feeling for Anirudh, which of she could not abort nor grow. But she ensured this not coming between their second innings. Anirudh constantly chided her against those feelings only to perhaps reassure himself or kill hope in her. Sharada was not sure if Anirudh had a question, doubt or happiness about the feeling she stored for him. Sharada stay unperturbed because it wasn't a matter of worry anymore. She chose to do certain things intentionally and self denial became the order of the day. Once bitten twice shy, Sharada clearly performed it with perfection, "manasa, vacha, karmana" she stood clean. A mentor and friend.

Having won an international award for the best designer from France and a fairy tale fly meet with Diya in the US, Anirudh was flying high in his career and life. Privacy was visibly seen, Diya was never a point of conversation. Sharada's indulgence stay till she was asked to, an unbiased reasoning for everything right, however, there was no compromises during proud moments, a time and "news" worthy of sharing and celebrating. Six months sailed only for the monsoons to shower them. July-end and an approaching August, two days away.

Anirudh and Sharada stood drenched on the road just about 5 kms away from Sharada's apartment. They wanted the heavy downpour to subside before moving ahead. A hidden pothole, slightly big and protruding dangered two-wheelers. The bigger vehicles made their way easily but bikes, because of the rains kept skidding. Sharada's focus shifted when the count reached five, however, Anirudh continued his not so important conversation. This time she became vociferous only to see if anyone in the crowd could come forward. Anirudh though acknowledged the situation but his pace to act was rationalised by giving it time, to see if somebody initiated. He was visibly discouraging Sharada to step forward.

"Just for people who undergo a similar situation, bet that there will be divine interventions to rest chaos of the mind and attend crisis and Yes this is where God exists" (anbe shivam - God is love). A few men around, inspite of the rains, came forward to salvage. A night ever remembered by Sharada, a smile that said one important thing "Thank God". However, that night was even more gracious to her personally.

Anirudh noticed that Sharada looked different in the longest time, or perhaps this was the longest time he had set eyes on her. His compliments for the day poured in. The kindness is one, Sharada a woman, did slip for his beautiful words. Sometimes reasoning does not work, its about chemical changes in the body and mind. That night waiting, drenched all over with her open wet hair, Anirudh tickled romance. Keeping her feet firm, Sharada's eyes re-diverted to the skies, time was fleeting. At around ten, they slowly moved, only to be caught again by rains but this time they did not stop.

Sharada offered Anirudh a cover, distances never matter when two people engage out in the evenings, he had a long way to go back and definitely it is in no man's capacity to end up in pneumonia. Sharada gave options, as she looked out for a warm ski / sweater or a raincoat. The house was not so big and Anirudh was not invited in, just about at the door. The room divisions were like compartments, and everytime Sharada kept coming out to show him options.

It was so quick, no thoughts that could trespass in fractions, Anirudh pulled Sharada into a smooch for a very long time, releasing became difficult because this time Sharada felt his arms were tight and would not let her go. And a bonus when one yearns for it, Sharada with lot of struggle reciprocated it. Fifteen minutes of bliss, eyes closed, it was only the lips, which were talking to eachother. There was no other movement, just the warm breathing. When they released, Sharada was shy, confused; Anirudh was holding and forcing her eyes straight into him. They just smiled, for a change without guilt. They desperately wanted it but they didn't do it, Anirudh picked up his cover and left the place with a peck on her cheeks. This was the beginning of sleepless nights, something like love.

They didn't discuss any, it was very blind, like "lovers" they started a season of spring. This time there were no words, it was felt, understood and communicated. A mature yet very childish relationship, long conversations over phone didn't seem to be "senseless", the tone, the longing, the demand everything was right. Sharada didn't want to go wrong and Anirudh was doing everything right. For some people dreams come true, and for Anirudh a call from Germany to work with a top brand and designer came as a surprise. Sharada was very happy, she joined Anirudh in his decisions to realise his dreams. Anirudh got busy with all the formalities.

Buying a travel bag compliant for flight travel was topping his "to do" list, Sharada suggested him places and offered to help him. They discussed and decided to take it. They set to one of busiest bazaars and took about two hours to select. In these cases, Anirudh was more like a woman. Sharada was actually getting bored. Just one thought entered her mind "creative or confused". They dumped it at his place and started preparations for packing, as meticulous as always, Sharada took over the reigns. Conversations and more conversations, Anirudh's voice dipped only to acknowledge, there was no desperation, it was so gradual, the indulgence was not lust, every touch and move was magical, Sharada flowed in only to get submerged. The act had an eternal feeling at the same time a lot of pain, "pain of body". Anirudh in private was a man, autocratic. His boyish demanding nature was only for external fraternity. It was "start to finish", Anirudh lay on bed with tears in his eyes, Sharada lost her virginity.

A week passed, and Anirudh confided to Sharada about Diya. There were issues between them, the ten day trip to USA, a proposal in the form of an engagement ring fell flat on his face. Diya was emotionally tore between her parents, Anirudh, distance and religion. Differences cropped, in an attempt to find solace, Diya cheated on Anirudh. Diya's honesty after that became an issue between them. Anirudh felt "it was not worth a love of sacrifice, however, perfect" He still loved her but there was no future to it. Papers to Germany paced swiftly and also proximity between Sharada and Anirudh in all levels.

Sharada on the other hand was getting stumbled at office, there were issues and fixing it was getting out of control. Her worries grew as the days came closer; Anirudh will be gone, her work was getting instable, her mother needed attention for undergoing chronic illness; the mind was getting bombarded.

A conversation with Anirudh to go for a movie turned out to be the scariest psychological disturbance for Sharada. A simple query lead to something, which was unexpected of. One part of Anirudh was also this, he liked kneading, it was like adding water to a dough, it would roll and roll shifting its base. Now Sharada was the dough. Buying a movie ticket ended in Anirudh accusing of Sharada to have tricked him into an act of sex. He accused of manipulation and some words that Sharada would not remember. His questions troubled her, he knew she was a virgin at the first time but her act of boldness on bed; provoked him chiding her experience with anybody else. Sharada carried the "tissue paper" wrapped in blood for some time in her bag, only to be so accused of something as pure as this.

This was the first bad conversation they had in about a month. Sharada made up her mind to stop this forever, she ran upto him at the theatre with lot of firmness only to see something awaiting for her. Anirudh put his arms around and said, "cwmon I was joking"

Sharada could not understand the shift, but tears rolled down her cheeks only to be wiped by Anirudh.

Sharada, dedicated and confident with shining eyes, never knew the term, normally called lies; unchallenged and unflincing in every mood she stood. She taught everyone how important it is not to brood and she was proud to call herself to be owned by him.

Women, they can understand things only the way they want to understand. Love just blinds them. They don't see what is coming.

Incomplete 23 Murdered in Love 16

Sharada maintained her composure and prayed for forgiveness.

Sharada was an early bird, her day started at 4.45 am, she plugged on to some exercise routine and was out on the street to hit the gym at 6 am. By 8.45 am, she would be at her office. Her professional life became her personal life. Her day ended at 7 pm, sometimes as late as 12 midnight, sometimes as early as 2 am - Glad she had the benefit of working remotely at that time, else she would have turned her cubicle into her personal bedroom. Apart from the movie halls and gossiping with her friends, she enjoyed travelling around. Singing, the only passion, remained in her.

Jai and Anirudh were wrapped up. She wasnt looking at any relationship nor she stood rigid about anything. A smooth sail and lived only to enjoy everyday as it comes. Her career grew stupendously. She became a part of many counselling acts of friends, relatives etc.

Some stories were painful, some funny but there was one thing common in them and it was "truth"

Prarthana was her name, married to a software engineer, IITian, dual Masters degree holder- out an out a perfect pobable profile match for society. This was a love marriage another case of internet love. Hailed from a business background and brought up in an atmosphere that knew no bounds. everthing was gettable, reachable, attainable. Her world was a perfect world- abundance of love, care, affection, feeling of being special, being pampered, a place where her tantrums were tolerated, her beauty was praised, evenings had long walks, moonlight dinners, songs, holding hands, poetry in air- PERFECT. Prarthana a die hard romantic, innocent in her thoughts plunged into a wierd thing called "love". unaware of the practical world... she loved Akash. Both Prarthana and Akash had not met, only heard their voices and exchanged photos. the relationship bloomed as time took its toll. Akash came down to visit Prarthana only to discover that their love story was now known to Prarthana's parents. Akash supported and comforted mutely. His touch played songs in her body. She was now willing to fight it out. She ignored friend's suggestions, parents warning and sisters rationales. All for Akash.

It was their marriage day, convincing families was easier as caste wasnt a barrier. both excited and happy. clouds of trouble started glaring on Prarthana's face from the very next day of marriage. she was hit hard with reality. Akash was not as loving, caring, affectionate when compared with his long love emails. It was too late. Akash was a workoholic hardly paid attention, and all that Prarthana wanted was attention and love. Akash failed to understand her body language, her gestures, her anger, her needs, her eyes and so many things. Prarthana weeped everynite, regreted, repented and silently apologised to her parents. this was a life chosen by her. Frustrated in her life struggling to catch up with household duties, everyday was a quarrel day. She feared his presence as she anticipated another argument. Akash conveniently ignored her. Prarthana had no place to go. after one yr of her dreadful, upsetting, and let down marriage, she wanted to search her identity, gain her confidence, prove her worth to herself. the only way was - a job.

Prarthana joined Sharada. They connected instantly. both, emotional, strong, passionate!they worked together, hanged around, shared their emotions, supported each other. For prarthana, it was a beginning of a new family in a place away from home. sharada was her teacher, mentor, guide, friend,
sister, mother, professor- everything. Prarthana now had something to look forward. everyday in office was a challenge. their friendship became a topic of gossip, they knew but hardly bothered.

It was 3 years and family pressure for a new member kept rising. this time Prarthana too wanted to become a mother- probably the only salvage for her breaking marriage. she suffered a natural abortion after which her hunger for a child increased further. later she was blessed with a beautiful girl child. Now prarthana had started enjoyiong her life. she was not free yet tasted freedom.

3 years went by and Akash stood pretentious and remained detached. The thought haunted her and repeated only to reiterate that fact Prarthana always dreaded. Here was a man who was alive and not available - physically, emotionally or financially. It continued to stay so. A life.

Stories afloat, Sharada merged with the one who needed her and was happy to be of helpful to some in life. Days, months went by with Prarthana's, Ekta's, Sejal's etc

Sometimes things happen at strange places, Sharada was waiting for the elevator to open, one of her early days off from office, She was heading home and as she kept pressing the button, it opened and Sharada's eyes this time just stared for the longest time, only to pinch herself. All her prayers were forgiven, she could not believe that God suddenly had become considerate. A shifting soul, a longing inside the heart Sharada saw him again. This time it was Anirudh's turn.

Anirudh "Hi, (long pause) how are you?

Sharada "hey hi (gleaming and extending a handshake), am good, so how are you?

Anirudh "good, (in handshake) thought if we could go out for a dinner or a movie?

Sharada "ah....are you sure?

Anirudh "yeah

They both had this strange yet comfortable thing about meeting again. The elevator closed only to run down to the basement. Sharada and Anirudh, just like the old times came back together only to forgive the past and begin it afresh as good friends. The night rolled, Sharada turned around and said for the time with tears in her eyes, how could she forget....it was 8th Feb.

Happy Birthday Anirudh. This time Anirudh's eyes became moist.

Incomplete 22 Murdered in Love 15

Mid 2006, sans visiting cards, sans a credible portfolio, a freelance designer in the making, Anirudh joins the race of all those "love struck" individuals going any length to bring home his lady love.

For first timers, Anirudh was an instant attraction came across as a pimpled faced, thin built, casually dressed, fashion conscious, trendy, with unkept curly hairs. He pulled off the "YO" look that certainly passed as a creative brain. But for Sharada, he was a person of short or small conversations, very articulate, with unconventional designs. He impressed her. Anirudh was a delight to work with, Sharada welcomed him board not only professionally but also in her circle of personal friends.

Sharada grew fond of Anirudh, an attachment so quick, she was a good listener and everything about him was getting internalized. A silent acknowledgment or little disturbance in his voice or mind would trickle her mind. Sharada got inspired by his mother, amazed by his love story and his muse Diya - so different - not seen not touched etc. Sharada behaved like his mother, sister, teacher - mentor, guardian, child, sometimes just like a client; only to be reciprocated by Anirudh.

Their favourite pass times were movies, music, long walks on the city streets, sometimes spending time talking, waiting, working, riding, driving, eating out etc. As the friendship endured, there were no secrets between them. Time was joy, disagreements, forgetfulness, mistakes but no regrets. Walking with Anirudh was direction less, he will pull - push - turn around, incline his body on the shoulders, involuntarily move his hands and legs. There was not a static moment. Decisions on dinners used to be indecisive and instant. With Anirudh, plans never materialised, focus was today, now, present. It became important to meet everyday at the office, outside office or atleast an "auto ride" back home before resigning for the day.

And then came a breaking point, the shell broke.

One of those days when Sharada was travelling out of station. As she hurriedly pulled out her hand to stop an auto and turned around to bid him bye, Anirudh bowed forward and kissed Sharada on her forehead, she smiled and the auto rushed. Long away in considerable distance, Sharada felt her heart thumping hard. The feeling lingered longer than said. The next two days for Sharada was disturbing, she tried to close her eyes, drift her mind, but in vain. For Sharada it was a "touch" that seemed very different, it genetically created flurr in her body. Strange but true, feelings change and it betrays.

She could not continue to keep it nor have the guts to say it. She developed different feelings for Anirudh, and she also knew that he was in a relationship. She was betraying her feelings while she continued to be his friend. She was equally betraying him with the same feeling in mind. After ten long years a feeling spurred her mind and she was so scared of it. She contemplated to confront this, and all the time she failed. Anirudh was the same, there was no change in him.

Sharada gave it a shot, a thought forced her to vomit it out than see it getting rotten inside. Anirudh understood her. They had continued conversations, practical reasoning, emotional exchanges and decided to remain as it is. However, it grew a lot tougher for them, because now Sharada was no more playing the dozen roles. They strolled sometimes in silence, sometimes very quarrelsome, sometimes they committed mistakes of holding hands, kissing each other, only to feel guilty.

Anirudh decided to close Sharada; on the other hand Sharada's attempts to remain friends did not work. An abrupt ending, no other option than going back to the earning life. Sharada wished for Anirudh and Diya, and honestly wished for them. An episode only to touch and go in July 2007.

Incomplete 21 Murdered in Love 14

Upbringing & growing up, a permissive mental and physical state.

Anirudh was just about four years old when the world came crashing down; a mother in her late 20's, stood alone with two kids. Completely clue less of the future. She held "a hand" in union, which was no more alive. An accident changed their lives. They all had to live this death.

There are no complaints, yet the "if's" & "why's" of life do not vanish. One succumbs to it. The format looked simpler but deep down the lines were getting thicker, darker and the process of growing was not necessarily from "boy to man", physically yes. The brain machinery requires some lubrication and that is the "emotional" instincts of a human being.

Kids need attention and when they lose it on account of a new born sibling, there are only reactions. Anirudh fled into the bedroom with his baby sister and hit her. Syndicating responsibilities of mother and father was a task; between a toddler and a four year old, a difficult one. Anirudh heard his mother carefully, "this is sister, love her", so, here begins the first stage of compromising. Remember, Anirudh heard it and somewhere the element of "listening" was not happening.

Ghastly is this society and some perceptions in the mind of a single mother. It is important to prove a point and feel proud of it. In an attempt to furnish all facilities the mother's sacrifice is impeccable. She is beautiful, young but will kill her personal directives only to ensure that the "precious tears" of her kids are intact. "Selfish" is a mother and she has the right to be so. The cycle is vicious, a suppression of sorts, a pressure of sorts and unintentionally onto the "other".

Imposed and reposed, the bar kept raising for Anirudh and he had to meet a mother's expectation. Some times for mother, some times for society and some times for himself. A fine difference between self respect and ego, and this is how it develops.

Qualities of women and their company - mother, sister, grandmother, aunts, female cousins etc., made Anirudh acquire intelligence to connect emotionally with people. However, Anirudh sometimes went awry, his "brahmacharyam' was to compulsorily stand few marks away from a "rank holder" and still provide a rationale to be sitting next to him in the same engineering college (designed stubbornness). His interests were not buried yet not flagged. This can be attributed to many things, simple things like access to nurture these skills, lack of exposure by a single mother, who probably decided to go with the popular trend viz a viz taking risks. However, for Anirudh it was structured in his mind that it was absence of a "man" - "a father", else the education graph, the very architecture would have been different.

"Clever" an appropriate word, Anirudh entered a new world of friends and from fading innocence, here was a smart and shrewd mind. Remained a boy, yet struggled to be one of them. He was signed off under sympathy grounds or a person "yet to be grown". He wasn't visible. This only says he wasn't visible. Freedom, a new house spaced in the mind. His honesty, transparency, sometimes adamance tuned his mother to the times. "ing" was the word....

Out at the age of 22, his journey of experiment started. Ideas, art, design were self defined in his mind eventually to change at a lightening speed. His growth was not imposed, his growth was sole discretion. His tryst with girls / women were exactly like any other person at that age. Friendship, that has action, dating girlfriends, flings, that inclination towards metro sexuality, sometimes approached by gays, all was going perfect.

Some blessings, perhaps protected or showered by his father happened, in spite of a difficult beginning, the journey had less hiccups. Responsibilities took back seat, the only one concern that keeps the mother nagging. Money was not the issue but the "thought" in the sub conscious mind to do something as an adult for the family were on top of the mind. However, dreams were more important than duties.

Venturing out - cars, technologies, gadgets, travel destinations, fashion, food, versatility of life took over. Meeting, knowing people were among top of the list. And simultaneously here was growing a designer for the future world. And whenever he felt that his experiential tour was getting braked, there were people to support with encouraging words helped him walk through.

A case in point here: an entry by a beautiful Venezuelan beauty biologically boosted his genes, the enjoyment was intoxicating & continuous. Before it could lead into a guilt trip, the phase was handled and construed to be a "masturbation process" as opposed to any significant connection.

But then everyone loses it, and Anirudh lost it - a time of no job, no money, no house, no focus, no responsibility; as said in earlier notes - "Time", Anirudh had lot of time and this time it was 24/7 and an era of internet and computers. There was no stopping for him. A conversation, an SRK style intervention over the net let him lose it and this time it was his "heart".

Diya, exactly a replica of Anirudh; she was god-meant, god-sent, soul partner. A beginning of an internet love story, seven seas away yet so close.

Incomplete 20 Murdered in Love 13

Talking about experiments, Sharada wondered what must have been God's experiment with her creation. She was dead sure about one thing that it is something to do with "love".

There was a visible difference between Sharada and her friends; the difference was about "very natural and unbelievable". It was not about to be different "consciously"; it was just that the difference was "the conscious". While her friends were busy picking up pieces to run a show, which fulfilled every necessity, luxury or desire of the heart, mind and soul; Sharada was running behind something that she was not clear about. In reality, running behind something leads to nothing.

Women, (not generalizing but capturing certain innate qualities only close to them), have a long list of wants, needs, desires, dreams all interconnected and everything to do with the "other". It could be a living or a non-living thing - like a daughter, son, husband, lover, father, mother, sister, brother, friends or jewellery, clothes etc. And when shot down, its out blamed on the wish list and the "other". However, this entire spectrum of wants, needs, desires do not seem to stop...they go on. There is no threshold for "happiness"; If one is satisfied, it directly indicates complacency or "lacks vigour to grow". If one is "not satisfied", then it means "unhappy" and will "never be happy".

"The Purana suggests that "vasana" (or desires) is an "enemy" of mankind. Overcoming "vasana" is the entire thread-line of this life. One fascinating story of "vasana" stuck to Sharada and she internalized it thoroughly.

A love story of Lord Krishna and Meera (as in Meerabai):

Men and women in Mathura were warned of "little Krishna" for his legendary activities in the villages of Vrindavan and Gokul. Women especially were controlled and were forced to stay away from his "vichitra maya". One such time when Lord Indra showered rains as a result of his fury on the people of Gokul, Lord Krishna came forward to ensure their security. At this time a newly wed couple were travelling from Gokul to Mathura. The bride in her "ghunghat" was instructed to walk her head down and not get distracted by "anyapurush - Krishna or other man". Lord Krishna parallely after performing worship and offering prayers to Mount Govardhan lifted it as a umbrella on the little finger of his right hand so that everyone could take shelter under it. On a run to save lives, the couple ran under Govardhana mountain. The bride lifted her head dropping her ghunghat and the very sight of Krishna put her mind and heart in mixed chaos for having been deprived of this "uttamapurush" or "ultimate man" for so long and that longing for having missed him for years put her in splits. She walked abode with this desire or "vasana" in her.

The "vasana" made her come back to the world as "Meera"; that began the story of Krishna and Meerabai. An eternal, soulful, undying devotion of an ordinary woman to merge with God."

Sharada fathomed into the motives of Meera, as Krishna's Meera. She spiritually questioned if something like that could be experienced? And if it did, then how much it did. Sharada in her "selfishness to understand" was ready to undergo Meerabai's pain only to be merged with Krishna, which of course is impossible. Her realisation of "vasana' in this birth is perhaps a reminder to her that she is carrying it for ages along with her. She would love to call herself a reincarnation of Meera, which of course was very cliched.

Her tryst with Krishna, her own Krishna in the form of man, or her "vasana" carried for so long, created a reasoning to be different. She was running behind the "unbelievable" - of acquiring moksham in the living world.

Sharada's cards were obviously, one of love. Representing new or renewed love that tends to sweep off one's feet and give that feeling of security and happiness. A time opening up to celebrate love, a new romance, a first intimate relationship. He is somewhere on the horizon and a new love is about to bloom. A focus on bringing back that spark and to live life to the fullest only to remember always that love overcomes all.

1982, February, as a result of love, Anirudh was born to lovely young parents.

Incomplete 19 Murdered in Love 12

Another long night of thoughts.

Just like in a painting, imagine a place, a mountain ridge, a few meters away a small beautiful house, just adjacent to it a big banyan or mango tree, a stream flowing towards the south, all around greenery, one gets everything to eat - fruits, vegetables, chocolates, dreamy clothes to wear, everything everything one can imagine of....but this place will not have people. Is it possible to live in such a place? Why do we need people? To see, hear, talk , feel?

Lets take it like this, God creates a place for each and every man / woman, the way it is in the painting. God can do that, meaning, He can create or give such a place. And then we all live in our individual space and enjoy life. We have not experienced it and we get terrorized in our minds that its absolutely impossible. Step back for a while, actually it is possible. What is impossible is to come out of a world we are all living.

Magnetic is this world of life and death. Magnetic it is to have people around. We are so used to this that we cannot opt for something, which is absolutely sans all these. Such is the case when you crash it down to life, love, a man and woman relationship. A woman keeps “a human form” warm for nine months; and a man keeps a woman warm every night and that chain of happening cannot be compromised. It is magnetic.


Break it down to the daily routine, brushing, bathing, praying, ensuring to check the mobile phone every one hour, ensuring to check mails, ensuring to log on to computers and so on so forth. Every little activity in a day is of great significance to all of us.

Similarly, in love life, people come and go; leaving some thing behind something worthy yet worthless. All we do is “do not remember to forget” or “do not forget to remember”. Question to God is if He knows to do it right then why do wrong at all; if He knows that we are strong then why test at all? God can take it all, call him a sadist and He will smile at it.

Creator, Protector, Destroyer – Rakshashas, a creation of God are blessed/ given boon as well destroyed by them. Why do all this at all, infact God has some regrets and to begin with to have created this world with man and woman. Learnings’ – wish we could communicate to God on an interim basis and enable him execute and do course corrections or implement some contingency plans. Why have a fish, then a bone and an analysis to this?

The taste of “love” is so compelling that you cant get over it; memories, feelings for people who come and go in life, just remains. Some teach lessons, some becomes lessons in itself. Some teach and learn lessons. Some cases there is zilch learning or teaching, however, it doesn't go at all.

Brahma created one man, the name is Anirudh.

HE created Anirudh with paint brush and music in mind. An out and out creative mind. Anirudh means abstract thoughts. Anirudh means intelligent and clever. Anirudh means attractive. Anirudh means sexy of everyone. Anirudh means handsome. Anirudh means changing personality. Anirudh means temperamental, quiet, shy and humble. Anirudh means honest. Anirudh means determined to reach goals. Anirudh means freedom. Anirudh means rebellious when restricted. Anirudh means aggressiveness. Anirudh means too sensitive. Anirudh means anger. Anirudh means sharp. Anirudh means daring and stubborn. Anirudh means entertainment. Anirudh means dreams. Anirudh means hopes. Anirudh means leisure. Anirudh means superstitious. Anirudh means ludicrous. Anirudh means danger. Anirudh means emotions. Anirudh means love. Anirudh means “touch”.

Everything was touchy about him, a touchy family background, carried a touchy love-story. He will touch and rumple the sari, touch and roll the dupatta, touch and tousle the hair, touch and smoulder the shoulders, touch and weaken the movement. His fingers magically sketched emotions over digital screens. Definitions, analogy’s dont stop; one can just go on and on to describe somebody who just sweeps in like a wind and ruffles up everything and never to go away at all.

Sharada’s experience with an “experiment”.

Incomplete 18 Murdered in Love 11

Butter and earth, it is still to be seen if world ends in 2012, but for Grandma, she walked abode just before that.

She left behind a feeling of emptiness and an empty Sharada. It simply reiterates that whatever be the difference between them, whatever good or bad vibes they shared, all the time during the time they lived, they thought about each other or atleast tried to enter each other’s mind.

Sharadambal and Sharada, a grandmother and a granddaughter, so much alike and yet so different. The first to start a lineage the other to end it. She died incomplete, Sharada was living incomplete.

The last rites were performed by men and women. Some lamented, some quiet, some sniffing, Jai and his family were neutral and left alone. They had very limited role to play. It is a bane and boon to be connected in the same family. And when the connection is both paternal and maternal, it is excess baggage. Jai and Sharada were tied up for a lifetime but then the difference now was that they were not anymore tied-up.

Madhuri (Jai’s wife), Dhruv were not new for Sharada. Dhriti, the daughter was new and whatever little noises were happeneing at that time in the house was by her. She would try to crawl around, pull clothes, or just run into the places were all the ceremonial things were spread. It had become a round of activity for Madhuri and Jai to keep watch on her. Madhuri would not meet Sharada’s eye and vice versa. Jai was trying to ease the air, however, it did very little help.

A vacuum, a sign to explode; and when something has fallen like death, a fear surrounds. All the activities are calculative, everyone has this particular respect and tone to the language and volume used, every one around works towards correction, there are no difference of opinion. Believe it or not, no one is an enemy. Its so surreal, which is not seen in the living world or the born world. With birth comes no apprehensions, a loud celebration, everything noisy, there is happiness with chaos, and many people opinionating. A profound contradiction.

When there was nothing much to do, all one does is watch and observe or think. But this time for a change, it was Jai’s turn. Jai faced a similar situation a couple of years ago when he lost his father. The first SMS or message was to Sharada or perhaps the last one – either way, Sharada was attending them the night he lost his father. When the last rites were performed, it was a mandate for a daughter-in-law to perform a certain action, however, Sharada’s role was unclear. A classic situation, here is a woman who has spent six years physically and the rest mentally with a family that owned and disowned her. Sharada did not wait for anybody’s instruction, she just managed to get into one of the sari’s in the house and got herself completely drenched and performed the rites. She didnt bother about the world or the legal implications, for her it was a father, more than her husband’s.

Jai observed Sharada closely and this time he had something else to see. Sharada had changed a lot, she looked younger as she aged (probably a comparison to women who generally look different after two kids); Sharada’s hair were not long, she had started using contact lens, blacks were replaced by purples, unlike her active and to do stamina – she had restrained and would not do anything. Jai’s curiousity was to know if Sharada was married or engaged to be married or still single.

Jai’s immaturity, opportunistic traits, detachment, defense, feeling of someone still attracted to him or yearing for him still existed. He treated Madhuri the same way, just that Madhuri ensured to add salt appropriately in proper places in the right dishes. For Jai it was a bonus point - when Sharada was around, Madhuri yearned for him. The only interesting twist here - that Jai wasnt aware to conclude if Sharada still yearned for him.

All the formalities concluded, with the door open, the day ended at 11.00 pm. Nirmala had drained. The newly weds were very accomodative, they chose to stay back and help Nirmala. Meera and Madhuri were an item, kids around just eased things.

Sharada, if anytime blessed was in this birth for her parents, who were the biggest pillars of support. They understood that their relation with Sharada would be perfect if they stayed away from her and thats exactly what they did. The distance was important for all the individuals in the family. They were happy to know Sharada was okay and living independently. For them a call every month or once in two months was enough. The pain was deep yet fine. Sometimes one has to pay the price for being parents. Children realise it very late. Sharada loved them and didnt want to burden them with her recurring life with the past.

Sharada’s parents bittered and their glands boiled at the very sight of Jai. Like Sharada they had also refused to forgive Jai. Father flashed back the day Jai entered the house and slammed Sharada for being abnormal and shouting on top for not making him a father. Father was a strength and the weakness both, but that day he said “leave him”, he isnt worth a man.

The house was deep asleep, a weary look, Sharada stay awake in her room and she turned her head around to see a shadow approaching her. It was Jai. They were so used to each other, even after years it didnt really make any difference. It was like the same, two people or individuals in a room. The air was same, without tightness. Sharada went back to her position facing the window. Jai with a heavy sigh initiated a dialogue.

Jai: Have I been replaced?

(Sharada: “a long silence”)

Jai: (after a little while) This answer will help me.

(Sharada: “a long silence”)

Jai realised how deep it hurt her and how long. He turned around and as he walked towards the door.

Incomplete 17 Murdered in Love 10

Present

Churning of butter: as in young days, grandma constantly narrated a story about “how the world will end”. She was confident, it will be during her lifetime. A very strong statement like, “I will die just before the world ends”. Here was a woman who had not gone to school but she had lived with laptops and webcams. If Sharada remembered it well, it was in 5^th grade, grandma churned butter with a wooden stick that had a bottom which looked like rudraksh, she would keep a vessel filled with butter milk in between her feet and rubbed her palms against the stick back and forth.

Sharada had seen the butter floating magnificiently on the top, sometimes it was yellow in colour and sometimes in white. A portion at the bottom would be sunk into water. However, when she had reached 21, it was exactly upside down, most of the butter sunk and a small portion out. According to grandma “butter” was earth and the surrounding - water. This thought could have been the result of hearsay knowledge by men in the house or just gossips. As predicted 2012 might be the end of world ;). Do not know about the world, but what she strongly believed in was coming true.

Grandma’s eyes and lips widened when she set her eyes on Jai and his family. Grandma still continues to believe that it was Sharada’s folly to have lost out on Jai. It is hard to face reality, contrary to what ever people observe, it requires a certain amount of strength to accept “guilt” also it requires a certain level of maturity to keep truth wrapped up. It was upto Jai to come out and say what made him do what he did. But then life is like that, some things just stay unanswered. Unless a story unfolds from the horse’s mouth.

Now the clock ticked 8, Grandma called everyone around her, she asked Sharada to slope closer to her; Grandma took out her hands and rubbed her palms around her face gesturing her love to her. She just whispered, I will talk to God for you. Sharada smiled and a thought chuckled - that grandma was confident that she will go to heaven ;)

For grandma - life was complete except for this one granddaughter Sharada. Grandma felt the gap, she felt her own life was incomplete and she wanted some moksham; some where a feeling that Jai was always in Sharada’s heart and mind. May be she went through a quick flashback and wondering where she could have done corrections; but then she had very little choice. An ideal death would have been to see all her son’s, daughter’s, grand daughter’s, grand son’s, with their families settled.

Grandma kept chanting, so were others. “Narayana, narayana, narayana”

Unlike other houses, there was nothing loud about the news, just little sniff’s and tears in eyes. Some people whispered and the elders discussed about the last rites.

During her college days, Sharada troubled grandma by pressing the door bell hard and call her out loudly, Paattttiiii..... going to such such place - a way to run away....and before grandma could answer.....OOOOOOOOO di......

Sharada whispered “Paati”, It was 8.15 am, a silence for a long and last time.

Incomplete 16 Murdered in Love 9

"Infidelity" – thought borrowed from a friend

There is no word called "fidelity", human body and mind is designed in a way that it will get attracted to the opposite sex more than once. "Infidelity" is a word coined or innovated by two psychological beings called a "man" and "woman". Love, Marriage and Sex are three independent activities or things. However, over a period, the institution called Marriage has been politically, theoretically and democratically abused. In order to protect human beings from "infidelity" (which of course does not exist), people creatively brought two individuals together into a web called "marriage" and when one is in "marriage" a social norm, directive - man and woman have to perform certain activities that entails duties of a lifetime. A topic - very debatable, there are definite advantages and disadvantages.

Currently, "marriage" is in decline; a trend supported by generation now. The demo graphical or statistical index is not the point, the point is there is acceptance to this change in the mind of every individual (at least the youth today). If you closely dissect "marriage" - it is imperfect; as the world is swiftly running towards a perfected world (technology, computers, 3D's, satellites etc); soon youth will find it difficult to cope with something as imperfect as marriage - never know, the world can embrace something imperfect in a thoroughly perfect world - because its boring!!!

Take a look at mythological stories, history and our great great grand in-inheritance, polygamy is portrayed very well. Except for Draupadi, there are no other polyandry stories.

So talking about "love-making", as earlier said, if one does not have sex, then it is boiled down to only one thing called "infidelity". And what a best way to accuse a person than this. It is very easy to clean up a place and very difficult to maintain that place clean! Unless people who want it clean at the beginning of the week, dirty during the week and cleaning up at the end of the week-end.

Sharada in the process of cleaning up, she was taking into her all the dirt spread around her. Dipped in dirt, all she could do was wash herself again and again, failing to clean the dirt thrown at her.
Jai's intentions were always conspicuous. On the exterior he was the best husband in the world and in the interior he was completely detached. Sharada knew the brush, paste, soap, brand of clothes, ties, shoes, bags, specs, food, colour, odour, oil, bullet - bike, cars, Germany and their tennis players, actors, every little thing that Jai liked or used. On the contrary Jai a detached soul that he was had no clue about Sharada. On special occasions “acknowledgments” were more like an obligation than willingness.

Sharada never questioned Jai when he spent the entire day at his friend's place, or made certain remarks on people who were innocent, sometimes his rationale went on to hit her parents - that even was okay. Sharada was deaf, dumb and blind. She heard only what Jai said, spoke what he wanted her to say and saw everything that he made her see. It is difficult to relate to someone like Sharada- so giving and loving.

Jai was completely unaware of instances at home, whether its his mother, father or any distant cousin. His callous approach to have six or seven friends in the house only to be served 100 to 200 rotis any part of the day was another welcome note in the family. The faith was remarkable, Sharada learnt only to give - time, energy, youth and her money.

The group of friends remained common for Sharada and Jai; that was a reason for Sharada to venture out new friends. She wanted somebody she could share and completely neutral who could give directions. But that didnt seem to be working, as Jai found it easier to pick up and box this as unfaithful trait. Sharada had to resort to nothing but just withdraw.

A “man” conscious of his identity and image in the society, Jai obliged everyone by taking on to the next stage of manhood- “grihasta.” A shrewd mind that knew opposition will ruin his representation in the family. Married and yet didnt know the meaning of marriage. His sharp mind, quick to assess Sharada’s weakness, played games of which the portrayal was genuine but was well planned. It was only a matter of convenience when he convinced Sharada that love-making was not on cards, its best to give time for settlement. An obedient Sharada followed his words. For many such years, Sharada’s brain had stopped working and agreed to everything Jai said. In marriage physical intimacy is an extension of feelings, but when there are no feelings, what can one do?

Donning a role that Sharada understood of a "wife" seemed to be not working; a change after four years, posing to fight the right for information act was not taken well. Its a weird transformation. When questions started pouring in, it was again a matter of convenience for Jai to blame it all on Sharada. Sharada was now trying to don and take control of Jai as a wife, it was too late. By the time Sharada wanted to take up that role, Jai had moved away, accusing her as an abnormal being and not able to make him a father. Shattered, blown apart and broken Sharada when wanted to explain there was no one to hear. Love can also become hypocritic, it kills you because it makes you what you dont want to be. Jai was an expert in shielding; nobody knew his relationship outside of marriage.

An astute and intelligent mind always knows how to play games with the other mind. Praising a woman’ beauty is a beautiful thing but if the same is done to put one down it becomes a plot/ a scheme/ a manipulation. Sharada an innocent mind was filled with complexities when it came to her beauty. This facet of her was always a subject of continuous criticism. Twisting words to one’s favour is indeed an art, an art which is either present by birth or aquired with experience. Former is applicable with Jai, as he always knew this marriage was not meant to be worked on and cleverly used Sharada’s vulnerability to his interest.

An excuse to Sharada’s advancements and queries would usually be a topic diverted towards “how there are other things important than a personal life”, “how a friend’s wife looked” or “dressed”. It was better than saying “ you dont attract me” “you are overweight” and so on. And if Sharada tried to discuss change of appearance, it was a taboo.

A caged bird, Sharada was just a prey to his intentions and all her actions were eventually controlled by Jai.

"Irony" an ideal word, lets encapsulate, a case where two individuals fall head over heals and get married with a large number of witnesses but their wedding is not legally registered. They live a perfect married life with their extended family and don responsibilities as householders, however do not consummate the marriage. Reality started glaring Sharada, she was standing alone at the airport only to see Jai fly away into a world where she could not reach. Sharada had nothing to be legalized to get separated and no hard feelings to be addressed as a divorcee....she stayed all through "single"...a journey started that ended in 6 years straight......

Questions like what happened to her studies? where were her parents? what happened to in-laws? If Jai had anything to do with this? Or what was he doing all the while?......the answer is straight, it remains unanswered. Sharada only whispered to herself - "Jai you could have told me the truth"

Incomplete 15 Murdered in Love 8

“Slow poison”; the equivalent is ARR’s music; it takes a while to sink in your blood, that’s how it is when you are consuming something “new-different”. (music is positive energy)

However, as already said Love is intelligent; Love combined with marriage is “new-different” and here it necessarily need not be positive energy because one doesnt get to know how and how slowly one is getting poisoned to death.

People like Sharada, young, naive, gullible, fresh, plunge on to take the reigns and start running the show, not realising where it is heading. A thought of being an “expert” is what comes to them, however in reality and simple words its called “coping up.” Family is first; on a run to make everything perfect, some things fall apart. In the process you earn accolodes and some at times critical showdowns. Nonetheless, all miss to see something missing. The years turn like pages of a book and all the work sinks into a drain.

It is rightly said, one hates to listen or believe a “fact” that cannnot be digested. That is what happened with Jai and Sharada; a fact that none were ready to accept.

Sharada and Jai, though slow with their career growth; didnt really mind the monies; for they had earned a lot of friends and love around.

Jai stood best for everyone, pampared by parents, polluted by friends, encouraged by Sharada. A sense of pride to have achieved lot of things at a very early age; and there is lot of time to acquire many more in this world.

For Sharada it was “freedom”, unlike what she has been experiencing at grandma’s home, here she had people who encouraged her to pursue education, take up a job, learn riding, pursue activities like singing, dancing and everything that Sharada probably thought would be history.

It was about the present, and when you live in the present there is nothing called “moment of unhappiness”.

A privately made promise between Jai and Sharada proved to be the biggest mistake of their life. When a secret is kept a secret, it is trouble; again the same secret if it is out, it is disastrous. It is communication, whatever one communicates – people want to hear only what they want to hear; it really does not matter what actually is communicated.

“Love making” an integral part of married life did not happen to Jai and Sharada. A chosen decision between them and why? there is no perfect answer for this. There were several excuses, not reasons. And when you get busy with life; all the parameters laid down remains just factors in a piece of paper or a part of one’s memory ruining the journey.

“Guilt” a big word.

Sharada had cooked a delicious dinner, that comprised a vegetable pulao, a side dish kurma, a raitha but she had forgottem to add salt. Thats exactly was her married life. Everything was right but the menu card of a “wife” had a role to play and that “element called sex” was missing.

Borrowing a conversation; somebody had said “never feel guilty of any mistake, its a big word”; according to this, a mistake can be rectified or apologised, however, guilt could not be. And why because “one is not responsible for all the personal actions, sometimes God plays a bigger role”. But this is a far-fetched feeling and a matter of convenience. This is what exactly happens; love directs you to think as well feel. At times love will compell you to feel that you are the culprit; and in the same scale make you realise you are a “victim” as well.

How-much-ever one tries to fulfill and make the “man” happy in love and marriage; if the “man” is unhappy then the entire relationship is screwed. No matter proving or converting as a daughter / sister to in-laws or mere a maid servant - to wash and clean the dirt from clothes and bathrooms for the longest, youngest years; Salt missed in life is losing everything in life.

Sharada and Jai were habituated to each other; it used to be like early morning, afternoon, evening and night chores. They always exchanged beautiful smiles, wonderful jokes, delicious food, colourful clothes. The mouth would not stop, it was always go chatter chatter - talking, hearing and vice versa. Sometimes their conversations of “love-making” had theories – either innovated or discovered. Jai conferred that Sharada is everything for him, and it really didnt matter if they had sex or kids. Sharada conferred that “love making” was not important and passed everyday with guilt, thinking that she could not attract Jai at any count. When she touched Jai, nothing happened to her.

There was no denial, Sharada loved Jai a lot and vice-versa; but why did they not make love to eachother. “Chemistry” is it important?

Biological necessity as in men, does not really happen with women, unless they experience. Here was a case where Sharada had not experienced anything to even talk about it; she would not want in the first place. To avoid all kinds of deliberations, resorting to excuses like “not yet ready to become a mother” started flowing the floor.

Some things made Sharada very vulnerable; pressure from house, questions from friends, not being able to communicate or share. Sharada could not articulate or be in silence. She was a part of a family, there were many responsibilites, at the same time a growing woman.

Four years passed by and none realised that she was growing with them not just horizontally but also mentally. She had thoughts of her own, learnt or heard.

When one talks bad things about a person, ears and eyes are open. The next time any move made by that person will be treated cautiously. Try talking good about people, ears and eyes are trained only to take good things; they will not open for any critical input about that person.

Jai and Sharada’s four long years of fascinating, enduring ride skid; a ride that required a little bit of direction.

Every marriage has problems; every marriage has solutions, excepting that, its always a new problem, leaving no room for right directions.

A long patient wait only to fall apart.

Incomplete - 14 Murdered in Love - 7

Beginning 1995 Jai Kaushik, perfect. Tall, fair, handsome, 5’10’’, working in a top pharmaceutical company, a rare blend of logic and creativity, poet, quick witted, mathematical genius, pursuing MBA from a leading University. A best fit to be written on all matrimonial columns, a dream for all the women. Sharada, short, wheatish complexioned, stout, the only appeal in her face are the dimpled cheeks, mischievous glint in her eyes (which were of course hidden behind her spectacles) as well her long hair. The first time it was on a photograph, Sharada just detested the very discussion of marriage. Grandma was adamant, and here was a family, who wanted to take her as their daughter-in-law. Sharada was forced to look into the photograph, and that changed her life forever, her heart skipped a beat. She wondered until now, how could somebody so perfect be her future. She wouldn’t have dared to dream for a man like Jai Kaushik. But sometimes, imperfections are so perfect. People, relatives, friends, everyone were jealous about this match. Both their families exchanged vows and the dates were yet to be announced. Star partners in every sense, nothing could go wrong for this taurian and virgo, Jai and Sharada – beginning of an instant love story. The two year courtship was like a roller-coaster ride. Highs, lows, blues, pinks, Sharada hardly remembers any day that has gone sour between them. Except for Jai’s autocracy, which Sharada loved. A zing of dependability is independence for every woman; an emotional dependability. Sharada lived every moment for the future. She was a part of Jai’s family now; their seemed no hiccups for her unlike the new bees. A cinema-scope comedy filled movie, bright coloured photography with a tinge of black for sophistication, texture of cotton hung across a hill for art, classic tamil and Malayalam songs were the background scrore, love lyrics by friends, choreography in bharatanatyam and kuchipudi, dialogues were sweet nothings and direction by God. Yes, before they could blink and open their eyes, Sharada and Jai were at the feet of “Lord Krishna” in Guruvayoor. Sharada’s father conferred her hand to Jai; they got ready for a lifetime tie-up, that’s how their weding cards read. As they climbed down the aisle, Jai had a victorious thumbs-up, very young and yet too early, a four years difference was also perfect. A loving mother-in-law, a caring father-in-law, an adoring bro-in-law; that set the beginning of a perfect love, family and life. The first night something very special for the newly we couple and this one for Sharada and Jai was one to be remembered. Sharada was not new to the family; and hence for her everything seemed cool, she does not remember shedding a tear, as she left her family to a new home. They had left Guruvaryoor to their destination house, however, the drive was tiring and by the time the family was home, it was dark, power cut around (a sign!). The mother-in-law picked up a bronze vilakku (diya) to welcome. Everything led in dark with a ream of light coming out of the vilakku (diya). A white cloth laid on floor dressed with rice puffs, tired both entered the house. As they finished their customary round of puja and Prasad, they had to stay in the dark for about 30 minutes cracking jokes before the power came back. As they planned for dinner, Sharada was up and ready to lend her helping hand, that night the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law cooked food. Sharada was busy cleaning the floor and vessels. It was almost midnight, and Sharada with a little hesitation stayed in the sit-out wondering what next, a little push by her mother-in-law made her enter the bed-room. The room was not decked up like the movies, it was an ordinary bed room, and Jai was tired, waiting. Jai spoke logical things about transport, expenses, food, and friends and so on, Sharada kept listening to all these, the tiredness in them literally pulled their eyes and soon Jai fell asleep, tired and snoring. Sharada’s eyes were wide open and didn’t know when she went into deep peaceful sleep.