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"The sin that is committed by killing one who does not deserve is as great a sin of NOT killing the one who deserves to be......Bhagwad GITA". Sin is only a mistake committed by a misunderstood "individual ego" against its own Divine Nature.

Sharada' birthday, and an alien body of 47 days. Fear, image, future, everything seemed to collapse on her face. Nobody was to be blamed; not even the foetus. She just didnt want to talk about it to anyone but then it was inevitable. Clandestinity in a realtionship just tears one apart, she could not confide to anyone. And if she did, then she would retrieve it back. An indication to Anirudh, broke him & he went into silence. Between them there were only precautions and no promises or plans. Celebrate or do what?, a day to be remembered, horrifying was her birthday. Anirudh was awake all night beside her; and Sharada mourned to take a decision. A fibred rod entered her and dissolved something born; may be a boy or girl.

It is cruel to even scribe, sin is the word. She kept her promise to the one who had not promised anything.

The year ended peacefully only to unfold and end. Anirudh was waiting for an opportunity, and now it was Sharada's turn to get erroneous. Hormonal changes in the body started working on Sharada. Literal imbalances, fear of rejection, mistrust, insecurity, infringement, imposing, and get worried for nothing, fights; anger - all together played the worse. Continuously for a month they had fights, over everything. Like all, said all, Sharada accused Anirudh of using her emotionally, physically and financially. She walked out on him slapping him hard, not once but many times. Eighteen days of test; Anirudh never came back. Sharada begged him, but then theories are only one sided. Cursed was she, another exile but this time there was no hope.

The relationship came out in the open first to her closest friends and her other friends and many other friends. She spoke to some and some spoke to other some. But then nothing could be done to save or take the relationship forward. Some wanted Sharada to sue him, some forgive, some reasoned that it was her mistake, some reasoned that he was immature, some were critical, some were compassionate, some angry, some cried with her. It affected many and most of all Sharada herself.

Away from everyone and everything, Sharada completely contaminated started her cleansing process.

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Try playing a song on windows media player; some colourful animated lines glide on the monitor; they sometimes go rhythmically with the song or they have been seen to be digitized intelligently that one feels it is dancing to the tunes....strangely it also makes you feel very disturbed.

Sharada's admissions were pronounced, and she was through with her part in the first innings of the relationship. She had moved out then never to come back. But the second innings was shouldered by Anirudh. It was getting difficult for him, as it was evident he was controlling the threads.

Things are getting visually clear that this was not about two individuals, it was about two generations in a relationship. A boy who is straight seven years younger than a woman; both came from different school of thoughts that intersect each other, however do not meet.

Sharada's mental state of mind was moving exactly like those digital waves on the computer screens. It is very difficult to comprehend and analyse that what happens between two people when only one is talking about it. The truth was - only Sharada was talking about it and Anirudh was in the oblivion. Two definite things happen in a journey of love. One, you love and cherish moments. Two, you don't love and conceal guilt.

Anirudh was waiting for one event to nail Sharada, but unfortunately every such incident happened Sharada remained unaware of his intentions. Unlike her younger days Sharada was not naive, but she was still very vulnerable. Grey areas were acceptable for her, but black and white in a relationship was very important. Unfortunately, Anirudh's intentions never materialized, because he continued damaging beyond repair.

There were three instances when Anirudh became physically violent on Sharada. Sharada in her defense would destruct her own self. The reasons behind all physical hurts were very trivial, but Anirudh's reasoning would be exaggerated, sometimes posed as Sharada's folly. Before Sharada could confront and take a decision about him, Anirudh would fall on her feet and apologize. Anirudh had shared that his mother was also a recipient of such actions. Sharada only empathised that Anirudh was doing everything that he is not and Sharada just could not take it. Anirudh's "love was incredible but "hate" was unbelievably turbulent. And the times when such incidents happen, whatsoever, Anirudh would not bear the drift. Sharada sometimes intentionally stayed away but then it would hurt him even more. The one way theory - "Sharada was supposed to forgive him because it was him".

A man wants to see his mother in his wife; and here was a man who acknowledged Sharada exactly like his mother; from food to silence. But sealed his mouth, mind and heart to accept her in the way he had conceived. Anirudh sprinkled all "expectations to grow" in Sharada's mind, but as said this is only one way theory. It was not acceptable for Sharada to expect.

Anirudh made Sharada believe everything but what she was. Anirudh had completely taken over Sharada's senses - mental, emotional and physical. Sharada allowed it and he kept entering in without walls. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months as passed; Sharada and Anirudh could not find an answer to their relationship. But as lovers, they did spend time meeting eachother, travelling, watching movies, ideating, fighting, laughing, playing, making love, sharing all the low's and highs etc.

Sharada's emotional responsibility by choice was literally a little overdone. How could one being a woman do this but yes Sharada did this as well. She encouraged Anirudh of his photography skills and it was a meeting of mind sorts and just after their love making session, she stood nude for his creative satisfaction.

Raising of eyebrows? well truth always does. Honestly if one looks at it, its just between two people who love each other, there is nothing wrong. Sharada and Anirudh did it with choice and without any guilt. The pictures were published but only in a private gallery of creative people. Sharada never argued this or find fault with Anirudh, for her this was something between them. But then there are always hidden agendas.

One may write this off as a case of psychological disorder, difference in frequency, one sided emotion, sex, guilt between people, cheap and many such things. But the truth, it was very intelligent. Truth, it was very intelligent.

Sharada and Anirudh, an ocean of many emotions, which they wanted to share yet could not and all the tides and waves on the way hit them. Sometimes they wanted to see things emotionally, sometimes rationally, sometimes neutrally, sometimes guiltily....point is, all the methods used between them was not discussed, those were independent of eachother. One wanted to stay and the other did not want to stay. One understood where it was going and the other ensured it was not evident. One was a thinker and one was a doer. The difference was - it had an impact on the other.

Sharada thought again, So much for "love".

Some guests enter without invitations and guests are supposed to be gods. Once again a divine intervention. A beautiful month of September, early morning just before Sharada's birthday the "Velocit strip" showed two colored bands stating POSITIVE.

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Responsibilities were companions, some destined to Sharada in the domestic front and some taken by choice. The journey had started at the age of 17 +... was still on. Academic qualification never hindered her mettle at work, growth was significant and perhaps god's idea of balancing lives. Grandmother secretly admired Sharada for having achieved this rank in her professional life and also fulfilling her dream of flying abroad on work and holiday. Anirudh became a responsibility of her emotional choice.

When dream cream Germany went down in the drain; Anirudh's career graph hit a speed breaker including a messed up love life. Similarly Sharada's emotional imbalances - an ailing mother; an ambiguous love life; stress at work leading to low productivity affected her. She called it sabbatical, in reality priorities had changed. When money as a source hits a roadblock, philosophies come handy in a relationship and play a concealing role.

"Germany" was the culprit. Fear of blaming two people in a relationship, a geographical place becomes a convenient scape goat.

The serendipity of Anirudh realizing his dreams in Germany would have left Sharada with very little options. Their relationship would have survived with memories of "moments" shared by them with personal conversations replaced by emails and long distance calls. Easy aint easy to live in serendipity, destiny plays wonderful mind games.

Anirudh lost out on Germany and could not get rid of Sharada. Sharada loved Anirudh, she remained; and it gradually thickened by increased proximity every passing day. Complicating love or complications In love; both existed in this case. Sharada and Anirudh in their awareness had complicated things. Now they were picking strings that were complicated. It was a challenge to arrive at a meeting ground.

When one is on a move, it is a struggle to live the present, only to realise that it has become a past. Sharada and Anirudh had similar takes. Their happiness and sorrows were steadfast and moving parallely.

Anirudh's activities were Sharada's confusions. Diya's exit hurt him; he despised Diya's cheating, however continued to have conversations with her. Anirudh's frustration was "anger" and he let it out on Sharada. Sharada was vocal about disapproval or disappointments, however, in vain. Anirudh gave umpteen reasons for frictions and the one topped his list was that Sharada's existence between him & Diya. Was it fair? well versions are versions. When things hit the wall, he discovered & dropped lines at lenience: "Happiness in love, is to allow the person to do what he wants to do".

Sharada's un-expectations and un-conditionality were only an "ideal" statement for Anirudh. Any account of her actions; be it taking pains to travel everyday to meet him, cook food for him, spend money on him, spend time and share everything only to keep him happy was termed as "selfishness". Sharada had very little options to position herself in Anirudh's dictionary. The words of care like mother, words of concern like sister, words of love like lover, words of criticism or advise like a mentor stopped featuring in his lessons, as now Sharada was not a neutral person but somebody very intimate to him. Anirudh was comfortable with an element of mystery attached to his personality, whereas Sharada had the ability to see all the facets of his character and in order to prove Sharada wrong he did exactly things opposite and obviously wrong.

Diya's cheating was a subject of conversation, his rationale would be directed to the medical books - the biological requirement. Some shortfalls of long distance love stories, "bodily needs" forces one to indulge in sex leading to cracks in the relationship. The track looked like Anirudh was ready to forgive the instance and get back to Diya. Sharada did not oppose any of these things but was definitely flabbergasted when Anirudh persuaded or encouraged Sharada to fulfill her biological needs if she found someone outside of him.

His bold admissions about not being loyal or committed; to run into short affairs; defining sex as independent of love, etc. were beyond Sharada's comprehension. Sharada debated all his philosophies and theories; some she succumbed to and many were "culture shocks". Every time Sharada exited, Anirudh ensured to bring her back. Anirudh convinced Sharada that "her exiting out was not an honest one and parting ways was not a solution".

Here was a man who could not take Diya's deceit but it was okay for him if Sharada gets to deceit. A man who liked, had feelings and cared for Sharada but would not want to prove anything. Any attempts by Sharada to understand and stop complications were not welcome to Anirudh.

There were contradictions and more contradictions; philosophies and fresh philosophies; it was becoming a fight for retaining positions in a relationship. Anirudh maintained that he "liked" and did not "love" Sharada (btw, there is very little difference between "Ishtam"&"Sneham" in regional languages). Sharada maintained that he is not her "friend". Exiting out was not allowed, officing in was suffocating. Sharada's scissory aggressiveness was definitely not allowed, Anirudh controlled every bit of it.

It was like a "chakraviyu", you get into it then there is no option but death.

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Pregnant emotions; Sharada had conceived a feeling for Anirudh, which of she could not abort nor grow. But she ensured this not coming between their second innings. Anirudh constantly chided her against those feelings only to perhaps reassure himself or kill hope in her. Sharada was not sure if Anirudh had a question, doubt or happiness about the feeling she stored for him. Sharada stay unperturbed because it wasn't a matter of worry anymore. She chose to do certain things intentionally and self denial became the order of the day. Once bitten twice shy, Sharada clearly performed it with perfection, "manasa, vacha, karmana" she stood clean. A mentor and friend.

Having won an international award for the best designer from France and a fairy tale fly meet with Diya in the US, Anirudh was flying high in his career and life. Privacy was visibly seen, Diya was never a point of conversation. Sharada's indulgence stay till she was asked to, an unbiased reasoning for everything right, however, there was no compromises during proud moments, a time and "news" worthy of sharing and celebrating. Six months sailed only for the monsoons to shower them. July-end and an approaching August, two days away.

Anirudh and Sharada stood drenched on the road just about 5 kms away from Sharada's apartment. They wanted the heavy downpour to subside before moving ahead. A hidden pothole, slightly big and protruding dangered two-wheelers. The bigger vehicles made their way easily but bikes, because of the rains kept skidding. Sharada's focus shifted when the count reached five, however, Anirudh continued his not so important conversation. This time she became vociferous only to see if anyone in the crowd could come forward. Anirudh though acknowledged the situation but his pace to act was rationalised by giving it time, to see if somebody initiated. He was visibly discouraging Sharada to step forward.

"Just for people who undergo a similar situation, bet that there will be divine interventions to rest chaos of the mind and attend crisis and Yes this is where God exists" (anbe shivam - God is love). A few men around, inspite of the rains, came forward to salvage. A night ever remembered by Sharada, a smile that said one important thing "Thank God". However, that night was even more gracious to her personally.

Anirudh noticed that Sharada looked different in the longest time, or perhaps this was the longest time he had set eyes on her. His compliments for the day poured in. The kindness is one, Sharada a woman, did slip for his beautiful words. Sometimes reasoning does not work, its about chemical changes in the body and mind. That night waiting, drenched all over with her open wet hair, Anirudh tickled romance. Keeping her feet firm, Sharada's eyes re-diverted to the skies, time was fleeting. At around ten, they slowly moved, only to be caught again by rains but this time they did not stop.

Sharada offered Anirudh a cover, distances never matter when two people engage out in the evenings, he had a long way to go back and definitely it is in no man's capacity to end up in pneumonia. Sharada gave options, as she looked out for a warm ski / sweater or a raincoat. The house was not so big and Anirudh was not invited in, just about at the door. The room divisions were like compartments, and everytime Sharada kept coming out to show him options.

It was so quick, no thoughts that could trespass in fractions, Anirudh pulled Sharada into a smooch for a very long time, releasing became difficult because this time Sharada felt his arms were tight and would not let her go. And a bonus when one yearns for it, Sharada with lot of struggle reciprocated it. Fifteen minutes of bliss, eyes closed, it was only the lips, which were talking to eachother. There was no other movement, just the warm breathing. When they released, Sharada was shy, confused; Anirudh was holding and forcing her eyes straight into him. They just smiled, for a change without guilt. They desperately wanted it but they didn't do it, Anirudh picked up his cover and left the place with a peck on her cheeks. This was the beginning of sleepless nights, something like love.

They didn't discuss any, it was very blind, like "lovers" they started a season of spring. This time there were no words, it was felt, understood and communicated. A mature yet very childish relationship, long conversations over phone didn't seem to be "senseless", the tone, the longing, the demand everything was right. Sharada didn't want to go wrong and Anirudh was doing everything right. For some people dreams come true, and for Anirudh a call from Germany to work with a top brand and designer came as a surprise. Sharada was very happy, she joined Anirudh in his decisions to realise his dreams. Anirudh got busy with all the formalities.

Buying a travel bag compliant for flight travel was topping his "to do" list, Sharada suggested him places and offered to help him. They discussed and decided to take it. They set to one of busiest bazaars and took about two hours to select. In these cases, Anirudh was more like a woman. Sharada was actually getting bored. Just one thought entered her mind "creative or confused". They dumped it at his place and started preparations for packing, as meticulous as always, Sharada took over the reigns. Conversations and more conversations, Anirudh's voice dipped only to acknowledge, there was no desperation, it was so gradual, the indulgence was not lust, every touch and move was magical, Sharada flowed in only to get submerged. The act had an eternal feeling at the same time a lot of pain, "pain of body". Anirudh in private was a man, autocratic. His boyish demanding nature was only for external fraternity. It was "start to finish", Anirudh lay on bed with tears in his eyes, Sharada lost her virginity.

A week passed, and Anirudh confided to Sharada about Diya. There were issues between them, the ten day trip to USA, a proposal in the form of an engagement ring fell flat on his face. Diya was emotionally tore between her parents, Anirudh, distance and religion. Differences cropped, in an attempt to find solace, Diya cheated on Anirudh. Diya's honesty after that became an issue between them. Anirudh felt "it was not worth a love of sacrifice, however, perfect" He still loved her but there was no future to it. Papers to Germany paced swiftly and also proximity between Sharada and Anirudh in all levels.

Sharada on the other hand was getting stumbled at office, there were issues and fixing it was getting out of control. Her worries grew as the days came closer; Anirudh will be gone, her work was getting instable, her mother needed attention for undergoing chronic illness; the mind was getting bombarded.

A conversation with Anirudh to go for a movie turned out to be the scariest psychological disturbance for Sharada. A simple query lead to something, which was unexpected of. One part of Anirudh was also this, he liked kneading, it was like adding water to a dough, it would roll and roll shifting its base. Now Sharada was the dough. Buying a movie ticket ended in Anirudh accusing of Sharada to have tricked him into an act of sex. He accused of manipulation and some words that Sharada would not remember. His questions troubled her, he knew she was a virgin at the first time but her act of boldness on bed; provoked him chiding her experience with anybody else. Sharada carried the "tissue paper" wrapped in blood for some time in her bag, only to be so accused of something as pure as this.

This was the first bad conversation they had in about a month. Sharada made up her mind to stop this forever, she ran upto him at the theatre with lot of firmness only to see something awaiting for her. Anirudh put his arms around and said, "cwmon I was joking"

Sharada could not understand the shift, but tears rolled down her cheeks only to be wiped by Anirudh.

Sharada, dedicated and confident with shining eyes, never knew the term, normally called lies; unchallenged and unflincing in every mood she stood. She taught everyone how important it is not to brood and she was proud to call herself to be owned by him.

Women, they can understand things only the way they want to understand. Love just blinds them. They don't see what is coming.

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Sharada maintained her composure and prayed for forgiveness.

Sharada was an early bird, her day started at 4.45 am, she plugged on to some exercise routine and was out on the street to hit the gym at 6 am. By 8.45 am, she would be at her office. Her professional life became her personal life. Her day ended at 7 pm, sometimes as late as 12 midnight, sometimes as early as 2 am - Glad she had the benefit of working remotely at that time, else she would have turned her cubicle into her personal bedroom. Apart from the movie halls and gossiping with her friends, she enjoyed travelling around. Singing, the only passion, remained in her.

Jai and Anirudh were wrapped up. She wasnt looking at any relationship nor she stood rigid about anything. A smooth sail and lived only to enjoy everyday as it comes. Her career grew stupendously. She became a part of many counselling acts of friends, relatives etc.

Some stories were painful, some funny but there was one thing common in them and it was "truth"

Prarthana was her name, married to a software engineer, IITian, dual Masters degree holder- out an out a perfect pobable profile match for society. This was a love marriage another case of internet love. Hailed from a business background and brought up in an atmosphere that knew no bounds. everthing was gettable, reachable, attainable. Her world was a perfect world- abundance of love, care, affection, feeling of being special, being pampered, a place where her tantrums were tolerated, her beauty was praised, evenings had long walks, moonlight dinners, songs, holding hands, poetry in air- PERFECT. Prarthana a die hard romantic, innocent in her thoughts plunged into a wierd thing called "love". unaware of the practical world... she loved Akash. Both Prarthana and Akash had not met, only heard their voices and exchanged photos. the relationship bloomed as time took its toll. Akash came down to visit Prarthana only to discover that their love story was now known to Prarthana's parents. Akash supported and comforted mutely. His touch played songs in her body. She was now willing to fight it out. She ignored friend's suggestions, parents warning and sisters rationales. All for Akash.

It was their marriage day, convincing families was easier as caste wasnt a barrier. both excited and happy. clouds of trouble started glaring on Prarthana's face from the very next day of marriage. she was hit hard with reality. Akash was not as loving, caring, affectionate when compared with his long love emails. It was too late. Akash was a workoholic hardly paid attention, and all that Prarthana wanted was attention and love. Akash failed to understand her body language, her gestures, her anger, her needs, her eyes and so many things. Prarthana weeped everynite, regreted, repented and silently apologised to her parents. this was a life chosen by her. Frustrated in her life struggling to catch up with household duties, everyday was a quarrel day. She feared his presence as she anticipated another argument. Akash conveniently ignored her. Prarthana had no place to go. after one yr of her dreadful, upsetting, and let down marriage, she wanted to search her identity, gain her confidence, prove her worth to herself. the only way was - a job.

Prarthana joined Sharada. They connected instantly. both, emotional, strong, passionate!they worked together, hanged around, shared their emotions, supported each other. For prarthana, it was a beginning of a new family in a place away from home. sharada was her teacher, mentor, guide, friend,
sister, mother, professor- everything. Prarthana now had something to look forward. everyday in office was a challenge. their friendship became a topic of gossip, they knew but hardly bothered.

It was 3 years and family pressure for a new member kept rising. this time Prarthana too wanted to become a mother- probably the only salvage for her breaking marriage. she suffered a natural abortion after which her hunger for a child increased further. later she was blessed with a beautiful girl child. Now prarthana had started enjoyiong her life. she was not free yet tasted freedom.

3 years went by and Akash stood pretentious and remained detached. The thought haunted her and repeated only to reiterate that fact Prarthana always dreaded. Here was a man who was alive and not available - physically, emotionally or financially. It continued to stay so. A life.

Stories afloat, Sharada merged with the one who needed her and was happy to be of helpful to some in life. Days, months went by with Prarthana's, Ekta's, Sejal's etc

Sometimes things happen at strange places, Sharada was waiting for the elevator to open, one of her early days off from office, She was heading home and as she kept pressing the button, it opened and Sharada's eyes this time just stared for the longest time, only to pinch herself. All her prayers were forgiven, she could not believe that God suddenly had become considerate. A shifting soul, a longing inside the heart Sharada saw him again. This time it was Anirudh's turn.

Anirudh "Hi, (long pause) how are you?

Sharada "hey hi (gleaming and extending a handshake), am good, so how are you?

Anirudh "good, (in handshake) thought if we could go out for a dinner or a movie?

Sharada "ah....are you sure?

Anirudh "yeah

They both had this strange yet comfortable thing about meeting again. The elevator closed only to run down to the basement. Sharada and Anirudh, just like the old times came back together only to forgive the past and begin it afresh as good friends. The night rolled, Sharada turned around and said for the time with tears in her eyes, how could she forget....it was 8th Feb.

Happy Birthday Anirudh. This time Anirudh's eyes became moist.

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Mid 2006, sans visiting cards, sans a credible portfolio, a freelance designer in the making, Anirudh joins the race of all those "love struck" individuals going any length to bring home his lady love.

For first timers, Anirudh was an instant attraction came across as a pimpled faced, thin built, casually dressed, fashion conscious, trendy, with unkept curly hairs. He pulled off the "YO" look that certainly passed as a creative brain. But for Sharada, he was a person of short or small conversations, very articulate, with unconventional designs. He impressed her. Anirudh was a delight to work with, Sharada welcomed him board not only professionally but also in her circle of personal friends.

Sharada grew fond of Anirudh, an attachment so quick, she was a good listener and everything about him was getting internalized. A silent acknowledgment or little disturbance in his voice or mind would trickle her mind. Sharada got inspired by his mother, amazed by his love story and his muse Diya - so different - not seen not touched etc. Sharada behaved like his mother, sister, teacher - mentor, guardian, child, sometimes just like a client; only to be reciprocated by Anirudh.

Their favourite pass times were movies, music, long walks on the city streets, sometimes spending time talking, waiting, working, riding, driving, eating out etc. As the friendship endured, there were no secrets between them. Time was joy, disagreements, forgetfulness, mistakes but no regrets. Walking with Anirudh was direction less, he will pull - push - turn around, incline his body on the shoulders, involuntarily move his hands and legs. There was not a static moment. Decisions on dinners used to be indecisive and instant. With Anirudh, plans never materialised, focus was today, now, present. It became important to meet everyday at the office, outside office or atleast an "auto ride" back home before resigning for the day.

And then came a breaking point, the shell broke.

One of those days when Sharada was travelling out of station. As she hurriedly pulled out her hand to stop an auto and turned around to bid him bye, Anirudh bowed forward and kissed Sharada on her forehead, she smiled and the auto rushed. Long away in considerable distance, Sharada felt her heart thumping hard. The feeling lingered longer than said. The next two days for Sharada was disturbing, she tried to close her eyes, drift her mind, but in vain. For Sharada it was a "touch" that seemed very different, it genetically created flurr in her body. Strange but true, feelings change and it betrays.

She could not continue to keep it nor have the guts to say it. She developed different feelings for Anirudh, and she also knew that he was in a relationship. She was betraying her feelings while she continued to be his friend. She was equally betraying him with the same feeling in mind. After ten long years a feeling spurred her mind and she was so scared of it. She contemplated to confront this, and all the time she failed. Anirudh was the same, there was no change in him.

Sharada gave it a shot, a thought forced her to vomit it out than see it getting rotten inside. Anirudh understood her. They had continued conversations, practical reasoning, emotional exchanges and decided to remain as it is. However, it grew a lot tougher for them, because now Sharada was no more playing the dozen roles. They strolled sometimes in silence, sometimes very quarrelsome, sometimes they committed mistakes of holding hands, kissing each other, only to feel guilty.

Anirudh decided to close Sharada; on the other hand Sharada's attempts to remain friends did not work. An abrupt ending, no other option than going back to the earning life. Sharada wished for Anirudh and Diya, and honestly wished for them. An episode only to touch and go in July 2007.

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Upbringing & growing up, a permissive mental and physical state.

Anirudh was just about four years old when the world came crashing down; a mother in her late 20's, stood alone with two kids. Completely clue less of the future. She held "a hand" in union, which was no more alive. An accident changed their lives. They all had to live this death.

There are no complaints, yet the "if's" & "why's" of life do not vanish. One succumbs to it. The format looked simpler but deep down the lines were getting thicker, darker and the process of growing was not necessarily from "boy to man", physically yes. The brain machinery requires some lubrication and that is the "emotional" instincts of a human being.

Kids need attention and when they lose it on account of a new born sibling, there are only reactions. Anirudh fled into the bedroom with his baby sister and hit her. Syndicating responsibilities of mother and father was a task; between a toddler and a four year old, a difficult one. Anirudh heard his mother carefully, "this is sister, love her", so, here begins the first stage of compromising. Remember, Anirudh heard it and somewhere the element of "listening" was not happening.

Ghastly is this society and some perceptions in the mind of a single mother. It is important to prove a point and feel proud of it. In an attempt to furnish all facilities the mother's sacrifice is impeccable. She is beautiful, young but will kill her personal directives only to ensure that the "precious tears" of her kids are intact. "Selfish" is a mother and she has the right to be so. The cycle is vicious, a suppression of sorts, a pressure of sorts and unintentionally onto the "other".

Imposed and reposed, the bar kept raising for Anirudh and he had to meet a mother's expectation. Some times for mother, some times for society and some times for himself. A fine difference between self respect and ego, and this is how it develops.

Qualities of women and their company - mother, sister, grandmother, aunts, female cousins etc., made Anirudh acquire intelligence to connect emotionally with people. However, Anirudh sometimes went awry, his "brahmacharyam' was to compulsorily stand few marks away from a "rank holder" and still provide a rationale to be sitting next to him in the same engineering college (designed stubbornness). His interests were not buried yet not flagged. This can be attributed to many things, simple things like access to nurture these skills, lack of exposure by a single mother, who probably decided to go with the popular trend viz a viz taking risks. However, for Anirudh it was structured in his mind that it was absence of a "man" - "a father", else the education graph, the very architecture would have been different.

"Clever" an appropriate word, Anirudh entered a new world of friends and from fading innocence, here was a smart and shrewd mind. Remained a boy, yet struggled to be one of them. He was signed off under sympathy grounds or a person "yet to be grown". He wasn't visible. This only says he wasn't visible. Freedom, a new house spaced in the mind. His honesty, transparency, sometimes adamance tuned his mother to the times. "ing" was the word....

Out at the age of 22, his journey of experiment started. Ideas, art, design were self defined in his mind eventually to change at a lightening speed. His growth was not imposed, his growth was sole discretion. His tryst with girls / women were exactly like any other person at that age. Friendship, that has action, dating girlfriends, flings, that inclination towards metro sexuality, sometimes approached by gays, all was going perfect.

Some blessings, perhaps protected or showered by his father happened, in spite of a difficult beginning, the journey had less hiccups. Responsibilities took back seat, the only one concern that keeps the mother nagging. Money was not the issue but the "thought" in the sub conscious mind to do something as an adult for the family were on top of the mind. However, dreams were more important than duties.

Venturing out - cars, technologies, gadgets, travel destinations, fashion, food, versatility of life took over. Meeting, knowing people were among top of the list. And simultaneously here was growing a designer for the future world. And whenever he felt that his experiential tour was getting braked, there were people to support with encouraging words helped him walk through.

A case in point here: an entry by a beautiful Venezuelan beauty biologically boosted his genes, the enjoyment was intoxicating & continuous. Before it could lead into a guilt trip, the phase was handled and construed to be a "masturbation process" as opposed to any significant connection.

But then everyone loses it, and Anirudh lost it - a time of no job, no money, no house, no focus, no responsibility; as said in earlier notes - "Time", Anirudh had lot of time and this time it was 24/7 and an era of internet and computers. There was no stopping for him. A conversation, an SRK style intervention over the net let him lose it and this time it was his "heart".

Diya, exactly a replica of Anirudh; she was god-meant, god-sent, soul partner. A beginning of an internet love story, seven seas away yet so close.